and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
