She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
