dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
