I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
