onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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