sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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