So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
