she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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