just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
