I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
