I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
