all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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