Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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