I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
