i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
