well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
