Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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