I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
