hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize