but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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