Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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