i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
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