youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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