He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
