apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
