3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
