Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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