Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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