I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can text with my tongue
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
