He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
