So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
