im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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