Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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