My hand turned me down
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
