i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
