She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
