Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
