I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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