Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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