She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
