Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
