That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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