I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
