apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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