I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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