My underwear smells like fireworks.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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