dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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