Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
