Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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