remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
