What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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