Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We just shotgunned beers for America
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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