We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
