he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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