the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this hospital has no fireball
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
