I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
