i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
