Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize