how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
pop tarts are not kleenex
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
