i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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