I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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