Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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