I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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