something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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