Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
