Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize